Where you are

a moment comes and the crust cracks and all of the attention is focused at one single point and the universe becomes frighteningly endless. your hand does not reach anything anymore, you feel so lost and so far away from home.

you have been there before, right now it seem like you have been there forever.

a sunny day on the balcony, and you will wonder where were you then.

Thoughts

how do you let go of a thing you know is good?
how do you fight if you want no casualties?

Fear of the Unknown

and this morning it still looks like an end.

and i fear that you might want to turn back and will not allow yourself.
everything looks so final from here.
take a big breath in, let it all out.
clear the mind and the heart.
the future is yet to come.

me and you and...

relief brings anger brings tears brings relative peace.
breaking up, breaking down, breaking out, breaking away.
seems like everything is broken, still i feel whole.

i wanted to hate you, i wanted to wish you bad things, i wanted to cry more.
it does not work.

when i think of you,
after all,
i just love you.

tonight it seems like an end.

Rhetorics

and the question remains:
am i just so far out there, that i just do not know it?

and if, then, what about it?

White Noise

i could choke it now, kill it.
but i do not feel the need, do not feel the anger.

thirst

all the unsaid words accumulate to a dam on the river.
on my side the water are overflowing, i am almost drowning. on your side drought.

how quick am i to forget what thirst is.

And The Skies Cry Out For More

this sofability is all enough for me.

the scent of perfume when she goes up the stairs...
who is she, i do not know.
man, that is a lot of perfume for the unknown.
me, i save my perfume for the people i like, for the people who smell it and say nothing.
what is my smell to you, you who do not know me? what is my smell to you, you who don't smell me?

fingers in the hair, the tint of blond, ah where is the black. desert dry where is the water... the camels are long gone.

Phone Talks

like touching cheek to cheek,
sharing a few moment of life together,
apart.

Night Watch

back home, the cold left outside. can i handle?
i left my thoughts as they were, untended.
all the lines come to meet at one point, all the ways lead to Rome.
faces with words attached, like memories from long time, whirl up in smoke of the moment. remember. where do they come from?
i feel a why coming.

give the time time.

some days all that is not white is black,
and all the rest are just shades of blue.

early morning.
the pale light breaks the crust of night. a sharp shred of a moon hangs low in the silvery sky.
under the hot water, i balance between day and night, between joy and despair, dream and reason.

it is time to step out, breath the air.
the day has begun.

Labyrinth

night falls again, one more after so many before.
what counts my days, what marks my nights?
sometimes i find it hard to mark yesterday in my inner calendar as it melts in to the opaque pool of my past.
what will happen if i start pulling on the thread which its end i hold in my hand?
does it still go all the way to the bottom?

i close my eyes.

Traveling

one shot and i go.
jump in my canoe, grab the oar.

the current of people is flowing, i navigate.
carefull, easy movements. don't rock the boat.

i am the only one on the river, am i?
beautiful birds. i watch as i find my way in between the wildlife.
hint of a smile, breath slowly. my universe is expanding and contracting.

what an adventure, 10 minutes walk in the market and life is just flowing, washing me. lemons and tomatoes, park the canoe.

one more shot and in to the shower.

What Am I Talking About

what am i thinking, should i call her to tell her to pass by. this is crazy. all i want is someone to go to bed with me and i try to make it sound so nice and pure and delicate. i do not want to sleep alone at night, not tonight and not many nights. i want to hold on to something, to someone, to breath and smell and feel and touch the warmth and skin and flesh, when i fall asleep and when i wake up. to wake up at night many times, to check if it still there next to me. ah, softness to bitterness; kisses to bites. and i shush myself; even though i know the answer, even though, the silent voice in me is begging for mercy, falling on his knees with the hands clutched together, tormented in the agony of loneliness, washed in tears of seclusion. my god. i can really make it work for me.
tiny, soft hairs on the back of the neck. faded scent of shampoo. soft skin and the warmth between blanket and arm, between arm and body. faint breath, dry lips. eyelids, eyebrows. the incredible, unspeakable tenderness of someone sleeping in your arms.

late morning and the sun is out.
all these thoughts about all these people, all my excess and my neglect, all showing up with the dust caught in the sun rays.
late morning and my heart is dark.

Over

fogy memories wave at me as they pass by in a grotesque drugged parade, and i see myself marching, confetti and elephants.
and from here, from this moment, it is all so distant and i am cold and sad.
all the dead leaves must fall down. the winter is biting.

Seeds of Suspicion

thoughts keep me awake. it is late and the words are too loud and too fast.
the tick of the clock is counting to morrow,
let the birds pick those seeds.
let them be carried away, to the warm south, to the legend.

Black Holes

intensity or insanity creates distance, between me and me. i see myself from afar, i hear my voice through my ears, i await this man's actions.

grinding teeth in my dreams, lured to stay in warm darkness.

Short Sentences

beer in the afternoon, composing words in to pictures.
fried eggs and onions.
a voice on the phone takes my frown away.
short distances, short sentences.
like thoughts of cigarettes, like photos of the darkness.
beer in the afternoon, breaking pictures in to words.

the faintest smell of perfume, sudden twist of the heart.
how come i never call again? how come i never write?

  

Sand Castles

open up. smoke whirling up curiously, stroking an empty screen.

let go. release the tensed, clutching hand. breath. we go to the right. signal. blink. blink. blink.

open up.

can we stop here for a moment? the view is so lovely. i feel so far away from home. listen, it is a beautiful song.

open up. open up.

let me in. make me some room on the bench. we close the door and we fall. let go. there is so much darkness and air and light and we fall and i don't know how to stop it.

open the back door. go out to the strange garden. maybe it leads nowhere. watch for the birds.

open up.



i scare myself sometimes.

toughts about god

talks about god lead to the the dark tar pit. to the known deep hole where we don't know ourselves anymore.

my insides want to go there, to the divine, to the place above this filthy me. to the place where i do not know, do not know myself. to be different, better.

i embrace those moments, those little, tiny moments, of complicated simplicity, of inevidable joyous sadness, of almost unbareable tenderness, where there is no difference between tears and laughter.

and i want to scream to the world, that i am the king of the hill, that i know the answer, that i have seen it all.

i retreat to the known again, and i find that i want to be wrong, i want to find out what i did not, i want to venture further, almost suicidal.

Thoughts on the dance floor

I let the beat take me again. I give in to the sounds.
an important discovery tonight, discovery about passion.

even if I know our passion can not materialize, can not exist outside of me, it can still live, it can still breath and get to its satisfaction.

it can come to the moment where it surfaces, meets its mirror image in the other, does a little passion dance with its mate, makes love to it - and draws back without taking any form.

ah, how pleasurous life is.

As I Feel Now

the music plays in my ears as i walk in the streets. all the people around me, all the cars and the bikes and the people. they talk and they laugh and they scream. all i hear is the music. faces and words, mixing to nothing. and i walk. i want to break, i want to fall, i want to snap, and all i hear is the music.

concentration

ahhh and i sit and i can't really think of anything anything but you and you and you and me and you and when will i see you and you and why and i don't really like to ask why but it wants to know and i try to do other things and think of other things and all is very flat very flat.

As i feel now

To be more than what i am for me,
to spread wider than i think i can,
to be bigger than my size,
to be smaller than i can see.

To reach those places,
i thought i wanted to go,
to reach and to know that it is not there.

To lick the salt off the ground.
To drink the honey from the flowers.

once again, the urge to drop it all and go far away, coming together with the will to grasp at someone and push my face against her belly and forget that the world exsists, to drown in the sweet smell. what is the name of this german girl? who is your friend? do i really say what i belive or do i make myself belive in what i say?
i want to meet her again. i want to see what i saw. to taste what i touched, to feel what i felt.

you come, my love

you come to me, my love.
you don't know it yet,
that you are my love.
i have chosen you from all the others,
i have chosen you and you don't know.

come to me,
my love.
touch me one time and say -
i am your love.

postcards

even if i do not know it,
i wait for the sun every morning.
in my sleep, i wait.
even if i do not know it,
i wait for you every morning.
in my sleep, i wait.
and when i know it,
the waiting is almost unbearable.
it is burning so, that i want to forget.
i want not to know, that the sun will be shining,
i want you to come,
in the light of a new day,
not in the darkness of waiting.

As The Nights Go By

Want to touch, want to sleep,
want to hold you beside me,
to be close in the distance,
to be known and forgotten
and be found once again.

Night Music

when the night is singing,
i stick my toungue out,
open my mouth a little bit,
to catch some more of the air,
the mad air around me.

it can not be that this madness
is only inside me.
can not be that the song
plays only for me.

Drink Up

Vodka

 

Rain

 

maya 

maya 

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